Asking for Guidance

2020 began with heartbreak and confusion. Overnight, two women I had been friends with for over five years decided to drop me. Just like that. 

As I grieved over the next few weeks, I insistently wrote in my journal. I reflected on the whole night of NYE from start to finish, dissecting every conversation, wondering where I had gone wrong. I revisited my four years spent in college with these women, the culture of our college, and how I operated within the social expectations the school produced. But most importantly, I dove deep into who I truly was within. Beyond the boxes I checked identity-wise, who was I inside? What did I stand for? What were my values? And was I really as good of a person as I thought of myself to be? 

As I spent weeks looking within and re-evaluating my character, answers came. My inner being reassured me that I was worthy of unconditionally loving and supporting friendships, and that I would find them in the upcoming year. I begged the universe, in written words in my journal, to show me a higher vibration: of friends, community, and life-style practices.

Realizing some of my “friends” were not my friends was hurtful, but not defeating. In fact, it was exactly the opposite of defeating. It instilled in me a raw determination to attract what I knew I was worthy of receiving. 

Back at home in the bay area mid January, a week before departing to Patagonia, I looked at myself in the mirror, and fiercely loved who stared back at me. “We’re on this journey together,” I said to my reflection, “and we’re just getting started. I will live my truth.” 

Looking back, the defining realization that came from my pain was knowing that I could and would attract more authentic, soul-nourishing relationships in the upcoming year. That I was ready to be around people who wanted to see me blossom and thrive. And that I deserved that.

It was with this energy that I left home, not for the first time and certainly not for the last time, and flew to the southern tip of South America, ready to continue unraveling the mystery.