Quitting: Recommitting to ME
“Goddess to Pirate real quick…” I wrote in my journal upon arrival to Kodiak, Alaska. Damn, it had been a solid two years since I’d walked these docks, and man oh man was I a different version of myself. It felt good to be back in the fishing realm as a much more empowered version of myself. The last time i was in kodiak, I was still on birth control and very much not connected to my divine feminine or my spiritual path. I was enjoying life, no doubt, but the 20 months between my 2019 season ending and my 2021 season starting had turned me into a completely different person.
Within those 20 months I got off birth control, I began working with a naturopath, I committed to a yoga teacher training, I fell madly in love with another spiritual being, I began teaching bootcamp classes, learning muay thai, co-leading virtual self development retreats, spending 7 months quarantined with an international community in the sacred valley of peru where we gathered to pray, chant, sweat, create, surrender. Those 20 months saw me through an intentional break up—not because I wasn’t still in love, but because I realized I had to find my sacred work before fitting my puzzle piece into someone else’s. Those 20 months then saw me through launching a journal making business, through doing a second YTT centered around sacred feminine rituals, through cultivating conscious community, stepping into my power, leading workshops, facilitating burn rituals, being part of a 4 month business program….
I was re-walking these docks, but I was a different me. I was seeing Kodiak through new eyes.
Which is perhaps why my third season looked so different than the first two.
I had said yes to Alaska before I said yes to fishing. Initially, I was considering spending the summer in Alaska to backpack around and explore the “Great Alone”, as it is often referred. And then i thought, nah, if i’m going to Alaska I;m going fishing again. And so i did. I said yes.
And then two months into the season, right after the august 8th lions gate new moon, I said no. I quit. My captain was an asshole and I realized life was way too short to immerse myself in negative energy. In the past, the growth edge might have been to stick it out, but this time around, i realized the growth edge was to defend my worth and say NOPE. NOT THIS.
And then the next chapter began flowing immediately. I drew a map of the kenai peninsula in my journal and then texted a friend who ran a boat about me quitting and asking what he was up to. Taking his boat to the kenai peninsula in a few days, would you believe that! So i followed the momentum and was in Seward less than a week later.
“I know it makes no sense on paper”, I said to my friend on the phone about quitting my salmon fishing job Mid season to go backpacking, “but I just know it’s what I have to do..”
“What kind of paper are we talking?” She responded. “Cuz maybe only on financial paper it doesn’t make sense … but on journal paper..? It makes ALL the sense.”
Exactly that. So I Left Kodiak with only my extra tuff booties and a sleeping bag, knowing I could locate hiking boots and a tent later on. I quit my job on a Monday and caught a ride on a friend's boat to Seward on a Thursday. Didn’t even have a water bottle , but found an empty plastic jar of tomato sauce that would suffice. The day before I left, A friend let me borrow his pistol, I bought some new watercolors, and discovered that an old pair of my new soul sisters jeans fit me perfectly. Let’s go.
It wasn’t so much about being prepared materially, it was about my mindset. It was knowing that that the unknown was calling my name, and I dutifully had to say YES! And take the leap of faith to become the next version of myself. A 32 hour boat ride from Kodiak to Seward gave me plenty of time for introspection, and I knew this much: I was elated to be back in motion.
I had said yes, and then i said no, and now i was saying yes again.
And it may make no sense to others, I thought, but it makes damn good sense in my journal. And this is what my life is about.
